it's such a paradox, isn't it?

fml.

This goes out to someone that was
Once the most important person in my life
I didn’t realize it at the time
I can’t forgive myself for the way I treated you so
I don’t really expect you to either
It’s just… I don’t even know
Just listen…

You’re the one that I want, the one that I need
The one that I gotta have just to succeed
When I first saw you, I knew it was real
I’m sorry about the pain I made you feel

That wasn’t me; let me show you the way
I looked for the sun, but it’s raining today
I remember when I first looked into your eyes
It was like God was there, heaven in the skies

I wore a disguise ‘cause I didn’t want to get hurt
But I didn’t know I made everything worse
You told me we were crazy in love
But you didn’t care when push came to shove

If you loved me as much as you said you did
Then you wouldn’t have hurt me like I ain’t shit
Now you pushed me away like you never even knew me
I loved you with my heart, really and truly

I guess you forgot about the times that we shared
When I would run my fingers through your hair
Late nights, just holding you in my arms
I don’t know how I could do you so wrong

I really wanna show you I really need to hold you
I really wanna know you like no one else could know you
You’re number one, always in my heart
And now I can’t believe that our love is torn apart

I need you and
I miss you and
I want you and
I love you ‘cause
I wanna hold you,
I wanna kiss you
You were my everything
And I really miss you

I know you gonna sit and play this with your new man
And then sit and laugh as you’re holding his hand
The thought of that just shatters my heart
It breaks in my soul and it tears me apart

At times we was off I was scared to show you
Now I wanna hold you until I can’t hold you
Without you, everything seems strange
Your name is forever planted in my brain

Damn it, I’m insane,
Take away the pain
Take away the hurt
Baby, we can make it work

What about when you
Looked into my eyes
Told me you loved me
As you would hugged me

I guess everything you said was a lie
I think about it, it brings tears to my eyes
Now I’m not even a thought in your mind
I can see clearly, my love is not blind

I need you and
I miss you and
I want you and
I love you ‘cause
I wanna hold you,
I wanna kiss you
You were my everything
And I really miss you

I just wish everything could have turned out differently
I had a special feeling about you
I thought maybe you did too
You would understand, but…
No matter what, you’ll always be in my heart
You’ll always be my baby

Our first day, it seemed so magical
I remember all the time that I had with you
Remember when you first came to my house?
You looked like an angel wearing that blouse

We hit it off, I knew it was real
But now I can’t take all the pain that I feel
Reach in your heart, I know I’m still there
I don’t wanna hear that you no longer care

Remember the times? Remember when we kissed?
I didn’t think you would ever do me like this
I didn’t think you’d wanna see me depressed
I thought you’d be there for me, this I confess

You said you were my best friend, was that a lie?
Now I’m nothing to you, you’re with another guy
I tried, I tried, I tried, and I’m trying
Now on the inside it feels like I’m dying

I need you and
I miss you and
I want you and
I love you ‘cause
I wanna hold you,
I wanna kiss you
You were my everything
And I really miss you

And I do miss you
I just thought we were meant to be
I guess now, we’ll never know
The only thing I want is for you to be happy
Whether it be with me, or without me
I just want you to be happy

wow… i can’t believe it is finally the 10th!

damni have waited so long for this day, yet i don’t even know if this is what i want. i just want to get out of this state and start fresh. which i will after i gradute. colorodo && then canada when i get the money. canada is one of the only countries i know of that doesn’t have conflict with another country. they are just peaceful. && oh yeah my teacher accused me of stealing her money today. cool, huh? especially since it was a teacher that i thought i was tight with. but whatever, fuck it. from now on there is only one motive: get money. get money && only worry about myself. it may selfish but i don’t care. it’s my way now. only one care in the world. and that’s myself. and no relationships. just me, me, me. all the time.

fucking BORED @ school.

fahh real?
so much longer till i get tah leave this bitch.

ugh. >:/

only like one month till i graduate though.
:D

go girl, it’s your birthday. open wide, i know you’re thirsty. say ahh ;)

i feel pretty good right now :))

haha. but yeah soo i am really excited that i have a job, and even more excited that i am over all the bullshit. i have like a 2 second rebound rate d: haha.
i have the greatest friends and i don’t think i could ask for any better ones.
bryce is going to be here in three days and i am nervous and excited.
but you see the problem is that i don’t think i can committ to someone who will be in a whole other country for another year. i just am not ready for that committment.
i love being independent and i love being able to do whatever i want without being worried about the consequences. i am soo hungry right now it is not even funny.
i am about to go to BCIS and then mr. horowitz’s class for lunch since i am making up hours every day till christmas break. then after the next 4 & 1/2 weeks i will be DONE! :))
then i will go to a full time job. woohoo. lol :D
that will be pretty interesting.

:D

so let’s face it, this was never what you wanted. but i know it’s fun to pretend.

now blank stares and empty threats are all I have, they’re all I have.

so yeahh, like i am really discontent with shit right now.
mostly i need to get things right with myself before i start anything with anyone else.
i don’t know i feel like i am just done with relationships, for awhile.
not because of anyone. it’s just a thing where i need to be happy before i can make anyone else happy.

oh yeah so it’s my woman’s birthday today :))
she is 28. d:
haha i love her.

oh yeah and I NEED SOME NEW FRIENDS!
kayy byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :)

let’s just do it you and me… or three… or four… on the floor… ;)

hahaha WAY personal. but it seemed fun.

Are you a virgin?: no

Are you bi-sexual?: no

Are you single?: yes

Are you over 18?: no

What is your Favorite Sex Position: the normal missionary hahaha.

What is your least favorite sex position?: idk there isn’t really one?

How many times have you had sex in one day?: probably like 5 times…

Have you been called a HOE?: haha probably

Have you been called a SLUT?: yeah lol

Have you been called a PIMP?: hell yeah cause i am one.

Do you have GAME?: yuhh fool

Do you use condoms?: yes

Do you like to give oral sex?: hmm.

Do you like to receive oral sex?: hmm.

Who do you fantasize about?: SETH ROGEN, MMM.

Do you have any sex fantasies?: haha i guess so.

Have you ever been in a 3-some?: LOL no

What age did you loose you virginity?: 14

Does your parents know you have sex?: yeah

Have you had sex in your parents bed?: no

Have you had sex in a car?: yes

Have you had sex in a public place?: yes

Have you had an STD test?: yes

Do you masturbate?: hahaha

Do you have any sex toys?: no

Do you use sex toys in the bedroom with your bf/gf?: no

SENiOR YEAR:

What school year is it? BiG TEN BABY!

Who is your best friend? i HAVE A FEW.

What sports do you play? THAT WOULD BE, NONE.

What kind of car do you drive? A HONDA ACCORD.

Friday night where were u? UHM i USUALLY AM CHiLLiN WiTH PEOPLE.

Are you a party animal? HAHA iDK YOU TELL ME.

Are you in the “In Crowd”? HAHA i AM iN EVERYONES CROWD.

Ever skip school? HM NO i CAN’T SAY i HAVE THiS YEAR.

Ever smoke? YES, i HAVE.

Are you a nerd? HELL YEAH i AM!

Have you gotten suspended/expelled? NO i HAVEN’T.

Can you sing the Alma Mater? WHAT THE FUCK iS THAT? LOL.

Who is your favorite teacher? MR. MASK. DUH.

Favorite class? UHM, i GUESS READiNG SiNCE MY WiFE iS iN iT.

What is your schools full name? THE COLONY HiGH SCHOOL OR THE LEWiSViLLE LEARNiNG CENTER.

School mascot? COUGAR & iDK WTF THiS SCHOOLS MASCOT iS.

Did you go to Prom? iT HASN’T HAPPENED YET. i WiLL PROLLY GO THOUGH.

If you could go back and do it over, would you? iT HASN’T FiNiSHED YET, BiTCH.

What do you remember most about graduation? AGAiN, HASN’T HAPPENED. NOT TiLL FEBRUARY.

Favorite memory of your Senior Year? SO FAR, i DON’T KNOW. iT’S PRETTY GOOD.

Were you ever posted up on the senior wall? DON’T HAVE ONE?

Did you have a job your senior year? NOPE.

Who did you date? PATRiCK & CEEJAY.

Where did you go most often for lunch? THE CAFETERiA?

Have you gained weight since then? LOST.

What did you do after graduation? HASN’T HAPPENED YET, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT iMA BE DOiN. :)

just let go.

it is 2:28 am. I’ve been sitting here analyzing my past.
I let go of it all.
no more holding on to pointless memories.
I will always have them in the back of my mind and in my heart.
but I’m not going to let them torment me.
there are so many amazing oppurtunities in front of me.

and damn there is a sexy man on this television show.
hahaha.
goodnight tumblr. sweet dreams